Gay Dating, the Beginners Manual!
Yes, it’s a minefield. No, you don’t have to lose your legs. Read on.
1. Answering the question: what do I really want?
So you’re at the point of wanting, probably needing, to begin your dating journey.
But have you worked out what you want from this adventure, your reasons for seeking a relationship, or which type of gay guy is going to give you sweet days and sexy nights? Know the answers to these questions and the path to Mr. Right should be a lot smoother.
Understand your sexuality
Your values and boundaries define the kind of relationship that will work for you.
Some people can accept an open relationship, some cannot. Some are more adventurous and liberal and want a polygamous relationship. Some see monogamy as the only ideal.
How sensual are you as a lover? Is sex the driver of your desires? Or is the protective embrace when you wake in the morning the summit of your physical needs? Maybe you hold strong religious beliefs and are struggling to come to terms with your identity? How open are you regarding about your own sexuality? A couple with different comfort levels with sexuality will face stresses that may ultimately undermine the relationship. Some gay people still have a negative perception of gay relationships! This severely reduces the chances of a stable, healthy relationship.
A hundred motivations
So why get into a relationship? Maybe your natural protective personality makes you yearn for someone to nurture and care. Or it’s in your nature to want someone to care for you? Or you desire a sexy dance partner to share your moves and show off to your friends? Ask yourself this question before you begin. The answer will influence the kind of guys you search for and save you from the fruitless trek from one irrelevant partner to the next.
Know your type
Most gay people have a list in their heads. The really thoughtful may have written one out! Maybe they want their potential partners to be handsome, rich, and muscular. Good luck, boys!
So how does your list go? If it’s skin-deep qualities that matter the most to you, don’t agonise; just admit it to yourself. Take a few minutes to list the qualities you find attractive in a potential partner. Be honest and review everything from height, build, ethnicity, and size to personality, attitude and his family life. You might surprise yourself. For sure, it will help you stay focused in your search for an ideal mate.
Check this helpful list
By now, you should know what type of relationship you’re up for. Just review this list and settle on where you want to get.
1. Monogamous relationship – one where the two parties in a relationship have exclusive sex (i.e. no sexual contact with outsiders)
2. Polygamous relationship – one where the parties in a relationship have sex with multiple partners
3. Open relationship – the two parties in a relationship agree to have casual sexual flings, with no emotional involvement, with parties outside the relationship.
4. Fuck buddies or friends with benefits – having non-committal, ongoing sex with gay friends
5. Friendships – No sex involved! Or if it is, it’s more than friendship!
2. The myths debunked.
Myth One. No fuck on the first date means no second date.
Of course sex is a big driver in the game of dating. The temptation to drop your pants with your new hunk is close to irresistible, partly because you would really like to, partly because you may believe it’s the expected norm that sets up date number two.
Wrong! The intrigue and excitement of a new lover will easily carry you through a few nights of chatting, reminiscing, exploring, kissing and hugging before the urge to go all the way becomes unstoppable. And the delay in getting to that point means that the sex, when it happens, will better reflect what you both want and reduce the risk of a the wrong moves and misinterpreted signals.
Myth Two: Gay relationships always fail in the end because gays are addicted to promiscuity.
You need to discuss the issue of monogamy early in any relationship. It works for many. But some healthy and enduring relationships work on the shared understanding that sexual liaisons with other guys may happen. A careful set of agreed “rules” can help keep the relationship on the rails. On the other hand, you and your partner may opt for monogamy because it suits your personalities and your sense of security and loyalty. Though every relationship is different, building trust through open communication will be help to prevent the betrayals and explosions that can always occur.
Myth Three: Gay relationships don’t last.
Sustaining a union presents challenges to all relationships, gay or straight. Should you choose to look, temptation is, on every street corner, across from you on the metro or just over your shoulder if you dared to look behind you. But there are many gay couples who have withstood the test of time, high profile like Elton John and David Furnish or anonymous like that couple you smile at whenever you see them in the supermarket. Take a cool look at your social circle. There will more couples than you maybe imagined. And if there aren’t, you may be in a group committed more to partying than settling down.
Myth Four: There is a top and bottom in every gay relationship.
Though the top/bottom mix predominates for most of the time in many gay relationships, it’s far from being the only way. Relationships can work fine beyond the traditional dominant-submissive model. Being gay, itself a liberating sexual choice and should enable us to explore all the options. Just because you prefer a particular sexual role in bed, remember that every relationship is unique and constantly evolving. Don’t be afraid of dating someone who doesn’t conform to your usual archetype. A nice surprise might be about to come your way.
The Fun Part
Now the fun part: Elliott Chen, 26 years old, Editor in Hong Kong, recalls his best ever and worst ever first dates. And if this rings any bells, have a reread of what’s above.
My BEST 1st date:
Four years ago, a prospective lover flew over from London to Hong Kong, just to spend a week with me to see if there might be a chance of a relationship. I remember our first dinner was 2 boxes of sushi (which I picked up from the supermarket on the way back from work), in our luxury hotel room. It’s quite strange to have dinner with a stranger in a hotel room, rite? However, I was touched and attracted to this man who took a big risk to travel so many miles away from home… just for me! We ended up our 1st date with a long wonderful night. What are you guessing? Hehe! Well, does this relationship work? Of course it does! We are engaged now!
My WORST 1st date:
It was awful! Some six years ago, I met a financial adviser on gaydar and he dated me out for dinner one night… at Subway, how “chic”! After a greasy burger and some fries, he suggested watching a movie… at his home! Well, before going out, what I had in mind was a possible relationship. But all I got that night were the 4 “F”s – Fast Food and Fast Fuck….. and no movie at his home at all!
3. Lighting the path: dos and don’ts on the first date.
Okay, so you’ve made contact in a bar, on the Internet, on facebook or across the aisle of your supermarket. You’ve broken the ice and had an initial conversation that resulted in an agreement to meet up. How now to give the date the best chance of success?
First, the “Dos.”
Do listen – Don’t blather on and on about yourself. Let him get a word in, at least now and then! Communication is a two-way process. Take your time to get to know each other. Let the details of your life and emotions emerge gradually. This prevents anyone feeling overwhelmed prematurely in the relationship.
Do dress up – Know where you are going. You don’t want to be the only boy in the restaurant wearing a sexy reveal-all body-hugging glitter tee! And steer clear of white. Sauce splattered on white shirts looks unhelpfully dramatic.
Do keep the first few dates short and sweet – It’s always true: “Less is more.” Keep the first meeting short and sweet. Do, however, stay focused on the occasion; tune into him and your feelings. This is the first impression he’s getting of you. Hopefully, you don’t want it to be the last.
Do bring your wallet – Even if it was he who invited you out, you should be prepared to go “dutch.” Whoever he is, President or pauper, he will appreciate the gesture.
Do bring a condom – We do generally recommend that you do not jump into bed immediately. But the urges of the young gay man can prove pretty powerful. Always bring condoms because you never know when you might need them.
Now, the “don’ts.”
Don’t pour out your tales of woe – In the early stages, avoid talking about tragic or miserable past experiences. Who wants to date someone who is preoccupied with his past? Answer:nobody.
Don’t talk about your ex – Mentioning your former partner on the first date is a really bad idea. Whether you broke up with him, he’s simply disappeared or he’s passed away, save this conversation for another day. As for slagging off your former lover or lovers, just don’t. It’s a major turn off that inevitably prompts the though: “What’s he going to say about me later on?”
Don’t jump into bed on your first date – We know this may be hard. But ask yourself this: do you already know whether you like this guy just for now, or could this be a possibility forever? If you are looking for a lifetime partner, generally it would be better to delay having sex. Or you risk sending the wrong signals about your own intentions. Don’t rush it. The process of getting to know a gay partner requires investment in time and effort.
Don’t be obsessive – If the other person doesn’t call back immediately, don’t panic. He might have been too busy to answer, away from his phone or just not ready to commit to the next date. Ten ever more desperate voice mail messages show a lack of confidence that may well scare your date away, however positive his initial impression.
The cheering close.
Yes, dating can be a minefield with hidden dangers at every turn. But, look around you. Happy couples abound. The simple guidelines above are far from universally useful. But if they fit with what you already suspect, there’s a good chance your instincts have you on the right path already. Happy dating from all of us at Lustralboy.